First Post of 2012! IN MARCH! OOPS!

I've started writing so many times, but time really has been escaping me since the end of harvest. So much has happened and yet...not much at all. So, here are the highlights, or at least highlights to me...
Kids continue to grow and amaze and bless us. They are truly amazing. Yes, I know, I'm a bit biased.

I have lost about 18 lbs since Thanksgiving and think that is pretty good progress. I'm feel good and clothes are fitting better. I get frustrated because I sometimes wish it would happen overnight, but truthfully, for me to have a healthy life and achieve the health and life I want, I need to do this the right way.

I have a new vehicle, it's new to me. An Avalanche. With the move, it was going to be difficult to maintain driving a rearwheel drive Lincoln Towncar, go figure. We have been looking for most of the fall and winter and finally the right thing came along. Ironically, since we really didn't get snow until this last week, we could take our time and I had been able to drive the Lincoln. Last winter, it was parked for about 3 months. The winter has been crazy...such little snow and only one blizzard and it was not much of one, they kinda missed the mark. Yet, today, it's horrible out.

I did not EMT-Basic refresher last weekend. It gets long, but it's only once every two years. I learned quite a bit and reviewed some good things too. Dustin now is spending this weekend and next weekend at his Paramedic refresher and I think he has another class to get in too, but I'm not sure when at is scheduled for, but it must be soon.

I turned 36 in December. Which means I'm now closer to 40 than 30. This really doesn't bother me, but it did usher me into my first mamogram to get my baseline. Not has horrible as I thought it would be, but getting that friendly with the X-ray tech was interesting. She was very good at making me feel comfortable, which is really no small accomplishment.  Thankfully, all was good and I'm clear until 40. It made for a funny time at my EMT refresher. We were doing patient trama assessments and kindly, when I was a patient, my classmate asked if I was comfortable being touched, because let's face it, assessment is pretty personal. I said it was fine, but I appreciated him asking. He then said, he didn't know my well enough to just start assessing me. To which I responded, "I had my first mammogram last week, I have no modesty left!" It was pretty funny and did lighten the mood. I am also happy to report that I still am capable of doing a fairly competent patient assessment. Good news.

Ella turns 18 months on Monday. I'm not sure how that happened, but the time has flown. She is our climber and since she has no fear, I have used my patient assessment skills several times. It amazes me how she has managed to climb so quickly when I leave the room for 30 seconds to move laundry from the washer to the dryer. She can be sitting in front of the TV when I leave, perfectly content, and when I get back, on the counter and usually in the process of trying to get down and falling on her head. No Fear! She doesn't learn from these escapades, but she is awesome and talking more and more, but not very clearly. This could be delay, but since Ian can understand her often, I'm guessing it's because she has a translater in house.

Ian has become quite the conversationalist. Which really means, he never shuts up, but I love it. It's a very tenderhearted little boy, so it's an interesting combination with his little sister Rambo. He's been going through these fakey tantrums lately, they are starting to stop fairly quickly because we ignore them and probably a bit rudely, laugh. I hate to hurt his feelings, but sometimes it's just too funny.

Our new hired man started about 3 weeks ago. He's a great guy and it is going to make a huge difference this year. There is just more that we have to do on our own and my in-laws are not capable of helping like they use to help. We needed more help and the right help came along.

The biggest news is related to me, but not about me directly. My parents are moving from 3 hours away to 17 miles away! YAY! It has taken quite a few years to get to a place in which I would be excited about this, but it will be wonderful. My dad turned 80 last summer and they wanted to make sure they were leaving their farm on their terms and moving to a house that eventually they can live on one floor if needed. They found a great place. They close at the end of the month, they are busy packing and a real estate agent comes to look at their current place, this week, so they can work on selling it.

I have changed my background to tomatoes because the seed catalogs have arrived and I am excitedly going through them...I can't wait to get out to the garden and get my hands dirty. We have planned our farming acres, so that is exciting to have planned out and we have our seed purchased for the year, with the exception of a little wheat that we will put in so we have straw for cows. This year we will plant soybeans, corn and sunflowers. The cows will begin calving at the end of the month.  We have some beautiful steers we have held back for people for butchering, we'll take them to the butcher and will then be able to get people whole, halves or quarters of beef. We also have some nice heifers we are holding for replacements for cows. I try to get out with the steers and heifers to make friends, but I don't get out as much as I would like. I do enjoy the cattle more than I ever thought I would.

I feel like I've written a lot of paragraphs of nothing, but maybe something exciting will happen in 2012 and I'll have more to write about.  You'll get more about the crazy life on the Family Farm.

Harvest is over...Yet so much left to do and hopefully enjoy

I write this a few weeks after the last of corn harvest. It's almost strange that we were done so early. Amazing actually. The two previous years I have been combining on my birthday, which is DECEMBER 10! Not the best way to celebrate. Both times my husband lost track of time, so by the time anybody came back to the field with a truck or anything...It was too late to take me out for dinner. I think I got the shaft, that's for sure. This year better be better. Then again, Dustin's birthday is in October, so he always gets screwed because we are combing beans.
Anyway, now that the crop is in the elevator or in a bin, Dustin's busy working on the cow lot fence and hoping we can wean and work calves next week. We're a bit late, but the fence had to be dealt with before we brought them in from the pasture.
It seems that while snow has held off here, it's starting to grace the northern part of the state, so it's a matter of time and we need to get moving on those cows.
I need to start getting the tax stuff together for the pre-tax meeting, so we can see where we are at and where we are headed. I'm terribly behind on the bookwork. so it could take awhile. I think I may have to ask my mom and dad to take the kids for a few days after Thanksgiving so I can get it done. Of course, Dustin will try to get me to get me doing his projects, but I really am going to have to say NO and get the books together. I have everything, it's mostly organizing that must be dealt with.
I really wish that we could spend some family time together. I feel like every day we are running in different directions. I also am hoping that by Christmas I will be feeling more like my old self.
Tomorrow I go to the Dr. and hopefully get my anti depressants readjusted. I should have done this about 3 months ago. I think I thought I could handle things, that it was just a phase. Um, wrong. My depression does not seem to be controlled under my current med. I'm feeling very much like after Ian was born, not quite that bad, but close. I need help. I think I'll be trying to make a therapy appointment too.  On the good side, there's so much I want to enjoy and I haven't been emotionally able to, so it's time to get things going in the right direction again.
And there is so much to enjoy. Ian and Ella are such amazing kids. Harvest went well. Our new house has been amazing and moving down to the main farm has been a true blessing, not just for Dustin, the kids and I, but for his parents as well. We are where we need to be and are happy to be here.  The house is feeling comfortable and hopefully we will get to finish the painting soon. I'm having fun decorating, but am missing the motivation to finish. We have wonderful people working for us with the farm. This year was the year we had to add some help with the farming operation. With Dustin's dad being able to do less and aging, and with me in the house with the kids, most of the time, we needed it and we are happy that we will be able to keep it.
I'm hoping that dealing with my depression will also help me in my goals to live healthier. It seems that the depression has been roadblock in that journey, so I will talk to my Dr. about that too. I've found a great doctor and I trust her and I want to hear what she has to say.  So, that's where I'm at in the journey of life. I pray that I am able to find new peace and new motivation to be healthier for myself and my family.  Later...

Soybean Harvest and a Rainy Day Break

Today is a second rain day from combining soybeans. I haven't blogged much because harvest started with wheat awhile ago and then we moved onto beans...I don't have lot of time to myself lately. My mom and dad have been here, but have left today.

My mom and dad came last week and my mom took care of the kids while I went out in the combine. If you are wondering, yes, I run a combine. For those of you who are farmers, the next answer is, we run two John Deere 9600's. Not the newest machines on the block, but great machines for us and our farm. We added the second one this year, we had been going through harvest with one combine or sometimes we'd bring out an even older 7720. The 7720 was in need or retirement and we needed more combine than the one. Harvest was just taking too long on one combine and it was even worse with a breakdown because having only one machine makes a breakdown even more stressful.

While I am, technically, still a pastor, I really have shifted my life focus to thinking myself more as a farmer. I am in a corn planter most of the spring and a combine most of the fall. I sign our FSA paperwork and I'm the one responsible for field maps and acreage reports. I have had opinions on our crop, our machinery, our capital purchases and improvements, and I am as well known to the local crop duster as my husband is and he doesn't doubt me when I sign up acres. This is how our family lives.

So, now we start finding out how the year will go. It's harvest time!  There's something very exciting, scary, and spiritual about harvest, I think this may be especially true if it is how you make your living. When I'm in the combine by myself, I get a lot of time to reflect. Let's face it, since I have two small children, this is often the most "alone" time I get.
Here's what I mean about exciting, scary and spiritual. Every year is a step out in faith, at least that's how I see it. We can only plan so much, we try to choose the best seed, get it in at the right time, right fertilizers, care for it by spraying for weeds or insects. Yet...we don't bring the rain, the sun, the heat, or the cool. We don't keep the hail away in the midst of rain that we need. There are no guarantees. We plant the seed, but God gives the growth.
I thought about this very clearly Saturday night. It was late, very dark and as the beans are streaming into the combine, it was more than happiness that the crop looked good. It was relief. Thankfulness that it was there and we would be okay for another year. The bills would be paid, we could give some extra away that we hadn't budgeted, we can make some farm improvements.
Some years we have better crops than others, which also determines how we live and how we spend or don't spend. We are blessed, we have had several good years, but I remember the first year of our marriage and it wasn't as good, fine, but it felt way tighter than we had hoped. We have had the opportunity to grow our farm and add some acres.

Sunday, during church, it started to rain and it rained through the night and some this morning. It has been pretty dreary today. Dustin's in the shop, working on the corn head, that will be what is harvested after beans, so it's a good opportunity to get it ready. I have enjoyed time with the kids and a chance at a break. I've been trying to get caught up on laundry and getting ready for company on Wednesday. A friend is coming to help in the field. I've got a lot of work to do, but seem a bit too tired to get it all done, but I've done what I can. It has seemed more important to spend "Mommy" time with the kids, so I have. I've cuddled Ella, who wasn't happy with me because I was gone. I played games and danced with Ian in the livingroom.  I'll also try to get my confirmation lesson for Wednesday done.

Harvest has been fun. We got two entire quarters done on Saturday, which is the most we've probably ever done and we did it with a late start too.

But today is a day for a bit of sabbath and a bit of work. Coffee or something with a friend this evening, Time to get caught up, but not rushed.  Sometimes...the rainy day is good.

Turning a corner. Literally and Figuratively.

My weight has been an issue for a great deal of my life. I also realize now that I have carried some baggage in in my life that has turned into actual baggage on my thighs, hips and stomach.  Sadly, I found a few pictures from college the other day and remembered what I have remembered many times before. I wasn't that big. I remember hearing all the time, "You'd be pretty if you lost a bit of weight." I still hear that statement in my head quite often when I look in a mirror. I remember when it was said to me the first time and several times after that.
Even at times in my life when I look in a mirror and see a smart, funny, beautiful and confident woman, that voice creeps in and I have to say, "Well, I could be." 
It saddens me that I have carried that voice and that label. Especially this week when I found these old pictures from 15-17 years ago, when I was in college. I looked at this girl and saw a pretty girl. I wasn't a size 0, but I was a lot smaller than I am today. Why did I believe that the voice was true? 

I also happened to look at our wedding picture on our wall. I looked gorgeous on my wedding day, even if I do say so myself. I know that part of it was the happiness that I felt and that it was bursting from my heart.  I see pictures of me after I gave birth to our children and I see such happiness and it's beautiful.

Now, I'm at a place where being someone's definition of beautiful isn't my goal. Looking better would be a bonus, but mostly, I want to be healthy. I want to chase these kids around without being winded. I want to do this before I turn 40...It gets harder as you get older and at 35, I better get moving. For real.

I want to feel good about myself. I feel good about myself in so many parts of my life, except for my physical ability and yes, appearance. I want to look healthy and be healthy. (So, honestly, there's some vanity involved.)

So, I've begun walking again. I've watched my food, but until I get the needed exercise, that I even crave right now, I'm not going to reach a healthier place.

So, I'm turning a corner. Mostly the one at the end of my driveway as I walk up a steep hill. Once or twice a day.

We'll see, we'll hope.

The move! July 7, 2011

I haven't had much time to post. The kids are currently on opposite nap schedules. That has left little time to do things like write. I mostly just clean up one little toddler tornado after another...

But, Ian has some respiratory congestion, so he didn't sleep very well last night. That left Dustin going to church and I stayed home with the kids. The are both a bit snotnosed...literally.

So, since they are both content and not very active. I thought I'd take time to show you part one.

THE MOVE

Here is our house going through the intersection at the top of Mill Hill in Jamestown, ND. It was pretty crazy to watch. I went to town early, just to watch this.

Here is the house headed out of town.

This is going around a corner.

I get a kick out of this picture. It is the house driving into our driveway.  OUR DRIVEWAY! We almost have a house.

And here we are, backing the house into place on the site we sit right now.  We moved in the following weekend, even though we didn't have everything painted, still don't. But after living with my inlaw for close to a month and having most of our possessions in the shop (Some are still there.) It was time to make it ours.

Hopefully, I can get the progress pictures updated sooner rather than later.

I'm home!

Greetings Everyone! (If any of you actually still read this?)

I'm back and even better, I'm home. I'm in my new home! There's still lots to do. The walls from moving still aren't all fixed, we have to wait for the manufacturer, but we have painted everything that is currently possible to paint.
We've hung up a few pictures, but there are many more that we haven't gotten homes for yet.  There's stuff that is still missing and I'm waiting to open a box and get surprised and excited because "I finally found (Insert item here)!" I'm also realizing that if I haven't noticed something is gone, in six months, I should just get rid of it. In moving, we are still bringing more to Goodwill and giving to friends. It's been a learning experience and also a bit liberating. We have moved into a house that is about 2 times as big as the one we were in and we don't want to fill it to the gills like the old one was. We are trying to as the questions, "1)Do I/we need it? 2) Do I/We love it?
It is interesting asking yourself those questions. I think I have been learning that I define myself by stuff, but that stuff is not who I am. I also realize that there is an interesting connection with how I feel inside and how I live with my things. I have felt so overwhelmed and chaotic inside and I think my home was reflecting that. It was chaotic, not comfortable, cluttered, filled with unimportant things or at least the unimportant things were blocking my view of the things I cherished.
I'm still feeling the chaos inside, but watching the house unpack and making an effort to not have chaos, also seems to make me feel calmer inside. I wonder if I keep on this path, will my life somehow be transformed?  If I organize the outside, will my inside follow? I think Dustin made me realize something the other day. We had someone coming out, so we both got up and picked up and cleaned house. When it was done, it felt wonderful. After the company left, in a few minutes, we had the house picked up again and Dustin asked me, "Why don't we think we deserve this all the time?" I didn't have an answer. Why didn't we deserve to live in less chaos? Why don't we deserve to always be able to throw a quick meal together and sit at the dining room table? Why don't we deserve to enjoy our surroundings that we live in all the time? We realized, we do deserve it and it really didn't take that long when we both chipped in and I've been able to keep it up fairly well. I take 15 minutes a day to either vaccuum, dust, clean a counter, go through a box and put it away. Dustin comes home and he does a quick pass picking up odds and ends or throws in a load of laundry. It's been amazing to me and we are more calm. I can even more effectively teach the kids to pick up or every morning, Ian and I make his bed together after he's dressed for the day.
 Has God blessed with me with a resurrection of a smaller type in my life? I have been acutely aware of death and resurrection lately and looking for hope in the darkest of times. In the midst of what I have been struggling with, I've been able to say, "Wait, you believe in a God of new life, this is not hopeless, you are not hopeless."
I know that a messy house is really nothing when there are people really suffering with illness and death. I'm not trying to lessen the glory and wonder and awe of what God has done through his son.  But I also realize lately, whether it is dealing with a family illness or even little things like dusting, it can be used to drag us down back into the ways of the Old Adam and the Old Eve instead of the children of new life that we are.
When I let self criticism of "You'll never be good enough?" "You'll never have this place good enough?" "What will people think of you?"  When all those voices come in, that's not the voice of God, that's not the voice of a redeemed person. We need those little resurrections...Those daily reminders that we are children of God and blessed and the cross is all we need.
So, these little things that have been wearing down on me and my family, and a few of the bigger things that I am not comfortable sharing with the world wide web. These things do not have the final say.
So, there's what I learned about Jesus after I got the house cleaned. Go figure?
Until next time...When I post moving pictures of the house.

On a break....WE ARE MOVING!

We are in the process of moving. Only five miles! We are moving a modular home onto the main farm. Currently, we are homeless! Living with my inlaws because the house has been delayed by rain. 4 TIMES!
So, until we are home, I will be offline.
Pictures and more adventures to come.
Cinda