When Everything Isn't Enough

I have always been in awe of how incredibly blessed I have been in my life. I was raised in a good family, although, I will admit, my mother and I still have our issues and probably always will. My parents love me and helped me in more ways than I could ever imagine to tell about.
I have had wonderful careers. I loved being a pastor, while I was a pastor. When I stopped loving it, when I knew that I had to get out or I was going to be in trouble, I had the opportunity to move to the career of stay at home mom and also a stint as an interim pastor, which gave me back the love of ministry that had all, but dried up. And now, I'm fortunate, that once again, I have the career I enjoy, stay home and be a farm wife. I have realized that I make a huge difference and am a huge part in our farm operation. In a world where we so often define ourselves by what we do and what we bring to the table, it's not always easy to remember what you do is important when you are a SAHM.
One of the biggest struggles for me has been that I felt that I was less important because I didn't bring in an income. I've never thought a SAHM was less, I always admired them and hoped that I would get to stay home if I had the chance, but once I stayed home, I struggled with my identity because so much of my identity has been wrapped in what I had done and even though I believe raising children is the most important job we do as parents, it doesn't always feel that way.
So, in light of all this, I had to really start looking at my value, not just to my family, but to myself. I needed to wrestle a bit with what my "job" is and see how I felt about it. I also had to ask myself a question that I have been asking a lot lately and still don't have the answer to it that clears it all up. The question: When it seems that you have everything you want, why isn't it enough?
I suppose the question is partially answered by the Old Adam and Eve that are inside of us. Inherently,we are all sinners. It seems that for all of us, sometimes we want to be like God, and sometimes we just want to prove that we don't need God. It's two bites of the same fruit (possibly the tree of knowlege of good and evil if you don't mind the pun).
It was the oddest thing that sent me on this answer quest. Our kitchen sink...Yes, you heard me, our kitchen sink.  I hate it. I hate it with a passion and I find my dislike of this sink pathetic and embarrasingly selfish. We have been in a brand new home since last July. Now, because we did not get to choose the fixtures or appliances, it came just as it is. Over 2000 sqare ft. Three bedroom, plus a bonus room. A master bath with a tub that I can practically swim in. And my almost perfect kitchen. I have decent stainless steel appliances (I did not pick them, they came with the model house we bought). I don't have granite and that stuff, but those finishes aren't that important to me. It's a great kitchen and I love it...except, it has a white, composite sink. It mars, it never stays clean, it looks stained and did after the first month or so and while it does everything a sink is required to do, it does hold water after all. I can't stand it. I want a new sink. I have tried to convince my husband to get me a new sink every time we have been in a Menards, Home Depot, Lowes or our local building center. And while he doesn't like the sink either, he continually reminds me that this isn't something we need. And...I know he is absolutely right. There are a great many things that people don't have in this world and I am not one of the people that has ever wanted for anything. I have everything I could need and a lot of things that I just want and yet, I now wonder, thanks to my stupid sink, that I still hate, why isn't having everything you want ever enough, we will always find more things to want and we will convince ourselves that we need them.
And, why do we think our value comes from how many possessions or jobs or honors we can attach to ourselves?
I still have a ridiculously strong desire to change the kitchen sink and I admit...I will probably beg enough that my husband will change it to shut me up...But, I stuggle with what this says about me. I don't want to be this person and I hope I can change it. I want a person who knows that she has what she needs and she is grateful for it...And yet, when things are good, that is when we don't see how clearly God's blessings are right there in our lives.   So, I pray that God will teach me that I have enough and on that same page, I hope God teaches me that I am enough.

I'm awake. Why I hate it and love it at the same time!

Wide awake in the middle of the night, or so it seems. I've been awake tossing and turning, since about 3:AM. After I woke up, I couldn't get back to sleep and then Ian woke up and I took him back to bed and even though I usually fall asleep with him when i have to bring him back to bed, this time it was not to be. So, at 4:30, I gave up, got dressed, brushed my teeth and did what all mom's do when they have a few moments to themself. Checked facebook and my email! Didn't really find out anything new, but that's the habbit.
Today is a busy day, so on one side of things, I wish I could have slept. I will be desperately trying to keep up today, feeling like I'm foggy and three steps behind everyone. Yet, I can't help but enjoy this quiet time in the house. We have to be out the door at about 7:AM today so we can return some carpeting supplies and we have a meeting with our banker at 10:AM, so if I would have slept, it would have been wake up and dash, right now, I feel a bit more settled. I'm yawning, but I know that as soon as I lay down, I will be plagued by a list of things going through my head, so why torture myself. I'll just stay awake and deal with the day. 
Today is my WW weigh-in day and I'm a bit curious. I wasn't able to keep a good journal this week and so I'm not sure what happened with my points. A few people have asked me how much I have lost and for awhile have been saying about 13 lbs or so. This week, I realized, I've actually lost a bit over 20! That seems amazing to me. My clothes are fitting better, but while I'm not down a size yet, I do notice that things are shifting in a positive way. So, I feel like that is a good start.
I think now that we have Stepper, I very well will likely find that horseback riding is something I will do 3 or 4 times a week and it takes a lot more energy than I realized and it is actually exercise, which is cool as well. It will be good for the horse and for me!
That's all for now. Signing off...Is 5:18 in the morning. Wow.

An Addition to the family...NO! Not That.

It was a great weekend. I'm glad because since it was mostly just me and the kiddos, I was worried if I was going to be that entertaining. But, thanks to mother nature, I didn't have to be. Saturday was in the 60's! So, we were outside most of the afternoon and they still cried when it was time to go in for the day. It was amazing. Yesterday was sunny, but the wind made it a bit colder and not very plesant for taking the kids outside, but I still had a second day of all the windows open.

Now for the addition. After Dustin got back from paramedic refresher last night. We went and looked at a horse and brought him home for a trial. He's awesome. I had to go out to get him fed and such this morning and was nervous since my house experience is...NONE! But, I came in the barn and he ran right up to me. What a sweetheart.  Kids haven't met him yet. Better be sure he's going to work out before we tell them. So, there's the news from the weekend.

This week the plans are:
1)To make a new master farm list so we get a clear  picture of what needs to be done and prioritize it.
2) Take a load of stuff to good will. I have three bags ready to go.
3) Farm loan stuff.
4) Farm bill stuff.
5) make some meal plans for the next couple weeks. It seems to go better if I plan meals out instead of this panic at 11:30 thing.
6) Laundry, because it isn't a day without that on the list.

Oh, in completely unrelated to any of this news. Down another 1.4 pounds this week. I've now lost over 20 lbs, which is amazing to me. There's a long way to go, but 20 pounds, that's a great start.

Weekend Update and Should I get a "Real" Job?

I am a single parent for the second weekend in a row and I hate it! I have a great respect for people who have no choice and do this on a day in and day out basis. Especially since they are probably working full time and making it work as best they can and to do that without a partner is something I am not willing to try.
Dustin is at his paramedic refresher again this weekend, like last weekend. The kids are watching TV right now (sometimes mommy needs a two dimensional babysitter!) and I'm taking a blog break from cleaning up my office, especially cleaning up 2011 paperwork and receipts and I'm also shoveling Dustin's crap in a bin and he can deal with it. Did that sound bitter? It was.
I'm a bit protective of my office or as I prefer to think of, my playroom. It holds way more than I want it to already. I really should try to get this desktop moved to the shop and then figure out how I can get me a Mac. Hmmmm. I'll have to scheme on that later. The desktop is only a year old and needs to go in for some "technical issues" or stuff I've tried to fix, but for the life of me can't figure out. So, to the shop it will have to go. Eventually. I am having a hard time parting with it, even when it is annoying me. I do so much on the stupid thing, including payroll, which is why I'm most unwilling to give it up. If he can't get it back to me by the next pay period, I'll have to calculate...I shudder...with a calculator. Ugh. Nope, not for me.  I'd even have to write the check out by hand. Perish the thought. How did I become this spoiled? Is this really how pathetic my life has become? Bothered by doing my own payroll when there are people who would love to get a paycheck? Hmmmm. I have become quite a pathetic office manager for the family farm.
Today is beautiful! After Ella's nap and lunch, not sure which order those will happen in, the kids and I will venture outside into the mud. Usually snow still this time of year...but, not this year, there's some left, but not enough to do anything fun with it. our snowman we made has fallen over and the head fell on the ground and broke and Ian was very matter-a-fact about it. "Mom, snowman broken. He tipped over." No tears though, thank goodness. My tenderhearted boy gets a little bit hurt of the slightest things. Even a melting pile of snow...
I am hoping to also get some filing done, bills written, a church bulletin done (oops, that's for tomorrow) and of course, laundry, the primary focus of my existence as office manager of the farm.
Yesterday, I talked to Dustin about being home v. going back to work. I'm glad that I don't have to right now because I realize that right now, I have no desire to have a full time call. I'm not willing to sell my soul to save someone else right now. That sounds a bit cruel and heartless, I know, but I think it would be how it would transpire.
The kids are thriving, I love being a partner in the farming decisions, I love that I can have intellectual conversation about when we should sell and at what price and from time to time, I've sold it myself because we reached the goal price and Dustin wasn't home, so I called in and sold it anyway. I work full time, but I'm not ready to do it anywhere, but home. I enjoy teaching confirmation and preaching about once every two months. It keeps me interesting. I have started to find time to read again and not feel like an intellectual slug. I think I may begin reading some classics that I haven't read and should have or haven't read in a long time. Right now, I have been veracious in my reading appetite. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Trilogy, The Hunger Games Trilogy, The Help, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, (which I will right on more, sometime because I ended up loving this book that I picked out of a cheap bin somewhere. It was an interesting look at WWII occupation and the aftermath.) As well as some Jennifer Weiner, some new, some rereads, and various other books that don't involve rhyming.
I have gotten my share of that too, the kids are really into Dr. Seuss lately. The Foot Book is in heavy rotation as well as a few others and the "Spark" Bible from Augsburg Fortress, which has been great in teaching some basic bible stories to my kids. 
Life is too good to ruin it with a "job" especially since I'm loving my current vocation so much. My kids are amazing. They are also messy monsters, but that's a whole different category for another time. So while a call might come someday, it isnt' going to come soon, that's for sure. My call is being filled, just a different sort of congregation.
I hear the babysitting show is ending and it is getting quiet, that is never good.  Better get lunch ready.

Ella's growing up...and the clean house did freak out the kids!

I was right yesterday. Cleaning the house made the kids a bit nervous, especially looking for things they had left in the middle of the living room. But, not to fear, they have returned quite a bit of it with a vengence to get back at me and Ella made a huge mess in my kitchen.
My little sprite Ella turned 18 months yesterday. I'm not sure how this happened so quickly. It seems like yesterday when I was staring in one of the easiest textbook births with epidural in the supporting category.  And after Ian, I deserved it! 
When Ian was 18 months, I was already pregnant with Ella. I'm a bit relieved that as I type this, there is not another Lien on the way. I can handle two close together, but three seems like a stretch...Besides, they outnumber me already, I don't think I could keep up.
Yesterday for Ella's 18 months. She went to grandma's for the piano tuning and after we walked home. For over an hour. Ian, Ella and I first went to look at the calves in the pen. Which was a huge thrill for them, they are willing to come pretty close and that makes it all the better. Then we went to the shop to visit Daddy, where we proceeded to get dirty in less than 30 seconds, because they had to go to the only spot in teh shop where they could get grimy. After that, we walked to the house and got a slep and took a ride (I didn't I was the horse, of course). Then we made a snowman. Ella lost her shoe and got really cold and wet. I didn't really think we were going on an outside adventure when this all started, so they didn't have their snowsuits on. When it was time to go in, Ella was ready and as usual, Ian kicked and screamed for an hour, even after we came back in...But, it all was pretty fun except for that part.
Today, the adventure continues with a trip to the ND Winter Show and the winter show tractor pull. The whole family is going, which means, I'll entertain Ella, while daddy and ian enjoy loud tractors pulling heavy stuff.
More updates on the tractor pull tomorrow.  Ian's so excited, I'm sure this could be priceless. I also said he could have cotton candy, so we'll see.

Clean house and other ways to freak out the children!

The piano tuner came to work on the piano today, so I sent the kids to grandma's so they wouldn't try to "help" him. I stayed home and worked on cleaning up a bit of the house...I believe the kids may freak out that their toys are in their rooms and the house looks like maybe a few grown-ups live here too. I better not take too much time writing. I just have a little time sans kids, but I'll try to update you on their reaction to the house.  Shock or just a challenge to get it back to how they left it?

Sunday (Why I am Not at church and not sure how I should feel about it)

It's Sunday morning and while I would normally be going to church, today, the kids and I are staying home. Dustin has another day of Paramedic refresher and trying to figure out a way to get the kids and I to church when I'm on my own, seemed a hill that I wasn't ready to climb. Sadly, my week won't feel quite right now. Sunday morning worship seems to be my "reset" button on the week. On the other side of things, I can't exactly explain why with any clarity. I think the best explanation would be to say, the community ministers to my soul. Our pastor is a great storyteller, which makes for sermons that are very meaningful because you can find yourself in them, outside of them, and find God working through them. This is good, but if I'm truthful, I've only heard a handful of them since Ella was born. I've been to church, more Sunday's than not, but I'm also working on keeping two children occupied or quiet (hopefully both) and that seems to take up most of my attention.
And as hard as it is, I still seem to crave the time, we sing hymns, I hear scripture, I get little bits and pieces of word proclaimed when I can pay attention, but mostly, it is wonderful people that remind me I am loved and that God has created our family. The time in coffee hour is as much church to me as the hour before. I know part of it is because I don't get as much social interaction as when I worked. Adult conversation is like cool water when I've been in the desert of "ABC's" and "This little piggy."
Our pastor is always very gracious and laughs when I say, "I'm sure the sermon was great." He's been there, done that and knows where I'm living right now.
So, I'm a bit sad that I will miss communion today and the time in church. But, I'm also O.K. with the excuse...Today, "I just can't do it." The snow, the arrangement to get a vehicle arranged when Dustin took the 4 wheel drive, it was proving too much for my brain. Getting the kids ready by myself was going to be a miracle and it is one I am much more equipped to handle in good weather. So, I nestled into my excuses a bit too easily...This life of faith is never clean cut, that's for sure. On one side of things, I think I made the right decision to skip this morning. On the other side of things, I feel like I took the path of least resistance and I worry that it will become a bit too easy to fall into a pattern of, "I'm too busy, I've got so much to do, It's easier if we don't have to take the kids, etc. etc."  And the truth is, the kids look forward to going to church too and it won't get easier if we don't bring them and help then learn about the life we confess to believe and stuggle to live in every day, not just Sunday morning.
So, there's the morning. I'm a bit torn...Yet, I got some great snuggle time with my usually very busy daughter. Ian told me about the songs he likes that we sing. I also learned from him, "Mommy, popcorn is my favorite treat." So, we'll make popcorn later and I can't help but think, there's blessings at home too, but those are easy to miss too. 
Lord, I pray, today, help me find you in the little things...Help me hear your word in the things my children say, and give me patience and help them hear your love in the things I say to them. Give us a sabbath, no matter what the form. Amen.