I haven't written since last September! Close to a year. So much has happened, but writing wasn't something that I didn't make the time for. If I had time, sleep seemed to be my default.
I missed writing, I think it was a good practice for me. Maybe the last year would not have been so difficult if I had an outlet.
On one hand, I feel like a big baby for how I handled and managed in the last year. On the other hand, I learned a lot about myself.
I say I'm a baby because I didn't handle the balance of going back to work well. Rather, I didn't handle it at all. I never did find what I would call a "new normal" in dealing with part time parish and full time farmer, wife and mother. I felt like I was always in the wrong place. In the process, I neglected my family life. When I did have time at home with the kids and Dustin, I was usually too busy cleaning and catching up on laundry to enjoy or appreciate it. I was originally supposed to be done at Christmas, but it went until a few weeks after Easter.
So, booohooo for me. I couldn't handle what women all around the world do every day. I feel a bit like the universe is laughing at me. Heehee, "she couldn't cut it! So, there is the one hand.
Here's the other hand, what I learned. I didn't realize how much I did has a full time farmer, wife and mother. We had a pretty good groove going. I was in the call I was supposed to be in. I realize now that I should be valuing what I do in life. As much I preached to others about vocation and call in their life, not being just about professional ministry. I didn't apply it to myself.
So, we gained and we lost this year.
Gain: Ian went to 2 morning a week preschool at the church and loved it, followed by half day of daycare (he didn't love it). He grew in so many ways and I'm going to bring Ella to town so she can have the experience this year.
Loss: My kids really missed me and my mom helped me pull this off and it was exhausting for her. She didn't get to just be Grandma...A job that she has happily returned to.
Gain: 25 lbs in a short amount of time.
Loss: 30 lbs, so I'm heading in the right direction.
Loss: My certainty in my place and job at home. I lost a lot of confidence on the home front.
Gain: A new appreciation for what I do at home and how important I am in the life of my family.
So, hopefully. This is my new chapter. I've been home again full time since April. Things have been a bit rough in readjusting. There are a few things in our farmlife that are really messed up and will take some work to put back on track. It has filled me with a lot of dread and nervousness to be honest. I also know that we will move through it as a family and I can see that we will come out better on the other side. There will be a small blessing in the midst of some painful changes.
Hay is cut, baled and covered...Now. I'm praying for rain. We need it. It could be a tough year if we don't get it. So, Lord, Hear my prayer...But my more heartfelt prayer...Give us faith and trust in you.
Hopefully this will be a new chapter of writing as well.
Until tomorrow...I hope.
The Rev. Farm wife
