Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Life is complicated

I am home for the day. I was home yesterday and got a lot done, I hope it continues, but today I struggle with motivation.
I have been struggling with motivation for a very long time.
I'm not really comfortable discussing my deepest personal feelings at this time.
I'll just tell everyone that I am doing fine and am getting the help I need. I have been dealing with the same struggles for awhile, it is now that I am seeing them more clearly in a way that I can deal with them.
I am very fortunate to have a supportive husband, a great son, who seems to make any cloud disappear with his smile, and a good friend who showed up at the right time. Now the good friend showed up because Dustin drove me to her office to see her and we set up some girl time, but whatever works.
I realize that I am starting an ongoing process of selfdiscovery. I'm a bit scared. Is everyone sometimes scared to learn the truth about themselves? About what is driving them? I'm a bit nervous to see the truth about my insecurities and face them. I have pretty easily buried them for a long time. I need to start being honest about my feelings and find better ways to express them.
I just know that I use to be a happy, confident woman and I wasn't afraid to take on the world. I feel that part of me slipping away. I have been living as a woman without hope.
As I threw up the desperate prayer Help me! There seemed to be a small voice that said, "it doesn't have to be this way, you can get the help you need, but you need to go forward."
It was like I woke up.
It has still been hard. I have been giving Dustin my list of what I have to do, I need someone to keep me accountable, even with little things. But, I feel that I am going in the right direction.
There is hope out there. Even a small pinpoint, but it is there.

Monday, August 10, 2009


A lot has changed. The first specialist who said Dustin could put weight on the pelvis. He was apparently a quack. The new orthodedist said, absolutely not.
dustin will need surgery on the knee eventually. If he had it now he would be in a wheelchair.

good news. Farm Rescue will be doing 1000 acres of bean harvest for us. A neighbor of ours doesn't have any wheat, he is coming to help with ours. That will leave 350 acres of beans to get picked up on our own and I am pretty sure we can handle that on our own.

Prayers answered.

i am amazed lately at how calm I am becoming in the face of this. I know that we will be taken care of through this. I am usually a "this is easier said than done person," but this time. I know. I have been given an ounce of faith that I haven't noticed before and I am thankful.

Hopefully moving Dustin home this week. That will be wonderful.