Saturday, September 12, 2015

Two years! More than a break!

I need to start writing again...So, I'm starting here. On my forgotten blog. I have missed writing, but also know why I haven't. Sometimes when you write things down, you have to deal with them.  I truthfully like to wallow away without admitting things are wrong for as long as possible.
So, that's really why I should write the most, to start being honest with myself and if it strikes a chord for someone else, then maybe putting it out there made someone else feel less alone. 

I am struggling tonight.  I did a wedding. Felt wonderful. On my way home I was run into by a deer. Yes, it ran into me.  So, one more ding on my car. (my car is looking shabby, to say the least).   And when I got home. I came face to face with my husband and found out...I screwed up. Big!  The kind that makes him angry, me sick and now, I would prefer to just hide. It's not anything that I can't fix, but it also isn't anything that he is going to be over anytime soon.  I was supposed to do something. Forgot...Twice...and now my husband is mad.  He has every right to be.  But, I know I won't be receiving grace anytime soon.  That's the hard part.  I'm in the grace business. I preach it.  I don't think I live it. I don't really live a life in which I think it is for me. I am wracked with panic, guilt, anxiety and depression. So...I don't always remember that God's grace is for me too. So, when I mess up. I don't believe that anyone else is going to give me any grace either. 

I guess that answers why I haven't written in two years.  I think this would be what I have been trying to deal with and don't want to in any way, shape or form.  I am in my brokenness and while I am in the business of proclaiming God's grace for everyone else...I don't know how to proclaim it to myself and there hasn't been anyone else to proclaim it either.

Tomorrow, I have the Sunday off from my church. So, I have the opportunity to go to the wonderful church my husband belongs to and sit with my family...Yet, I am scared to hear what I need to hear. Because I feel like a fraud. I feel broken and I'm worried that my brokenness will be on display for everyone to see.  I have a chance to go to worship. Hear the gospel proclaimed to me. Share the bread and the cup. Taste and see and feel forgiveness and love and I am terrified because I am so unworthy of it... The very reason I need to go.

We will see what happens tomorrow. 

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