My weight has been an issue for a great deal of my life. I also realize now that I have carried some baggage in in my life that has turned into actual baggage on my thighs, hips and stomach. Sadly, I found a few pictures from college the other day and remembered what I have remembered many times before. I wasn't that big. I remember hearing all the time, "You'd be pretty if you lost a bit of weight." I still hear that statement in my head quite often when I look in a mirror. I remember when it was said to me the first time and several times after that.
Even at times in my life when I look in a mirror and see a smart, funny, beautiful and confident woman, that voice creeps in and I have to say, "Well, I could be."
It saddens me that I have carried that voice and that label. Especially this week when I found these old pictures from 15-17 years ago, when I was in college. I looked at this girl and saw a pretty girl. I wasn't a size 0, but I was a lot smaller than I am today. Why did I believe that the voice was true?
I also happened to look at our wedding picture on our wall. I looked gorgeous on my wedding day, even if I do say so myself. I know that part of it was the happiness that I felt and that it was bursting from my heart. I see pictures of me after I gave birth to our children and I see such happiness and it's beautiful.
Now, I'm at a place where being someone's definition of beautiful isn't my goal. Looking better would be a bonus, but mostly, I want to be healthy. I want to chase these kids around without being winded. I want to do this before I turn 40...It gets harder as you get older and at 35, I better get moving. For real.
I want to feel good about myself. I feel good about myself in so many parts of my life, except for my physical ability and yes, appearance. I want to look healthy and be healthy. (So, honestly, there's some vanity involved.)
So, I've begun walking again. I've watched my food, but until I get the needed exercise, that I even crave right now, I'm not going to reach a healthier place.
So, I'm turning a corner. Mostly the one at the end of my driveway as I walk up a steep hill. Once or twice a day.
We'll see, we'll hope.
2 comments:
I commend you for taking that step. I'm still young myself and I do still hold that same image of myself, the same small voice in my head. "You'd look better if..." There's times I walk passed a mirror and like myself, until I focus on my weight and that high self image goes back to nothing remembering all the negative comments I'd gotten while in school.
I keep making plans to take that step, but it's hard to take that first leap and plans go out the window.
I wish you luck in your goal.
Thank Jesslynne. I'm doing fairly well. The stress of harvest and not being able to plan as well makes it a bit complicated, but I've lost 15 lbs. so far.
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