Harvest. We have a love / dread relationship.

We started beans today. That's good. Dustin had the 9600 going and decided just to use that today and get the 7720 going tomorrow. Short, day, but 50 acres is better than not getting to harvest at all. The new cylinder and the stuff Dustin put in the combine is working great, he's really impressed.

The dilemma. Manpower or lack of it. Our hired man is a college kid, so he has class T, W, Th. He won't be back until Friday. A friend of ours who is going to work for us for a chunk of harvest can't start until the 11th.  The person who enters the combining picture...Me.

I'm not saying I don't want to. I actually kind of enjoy harvest and being in the field. This  year is the first year that we have two children during harvest and two under age 5 is a bit difficult. There should be a new term for the SAHM that is a Farm Wife. Nothing can really express the knots in my stomach, the tears that are at the brims of my eyes...The stress of this time of year on me and my psyche is a weight I hope I learn to bear at some point or at least walk through with a bit of grace and maybe find a place I am comfortable.

What causes me the dread. Being all things to all people. I don't mind combining. I resent that the rest of my "normal duties" are still placed squarely on my shoulders to bear and there is barely a finger of help to be seen.  I will work in the field tomorrow. I will have the added joy of having Ella with me for the entire day. I can even handle that. I will work an entire day, just as hard as my husband.
We will get home. He will sit down to rest because he's worked hard and then I will be expected to come up with supper for us.  He may go take a shower...He may keep the kids off me so I can get food made. Or he may say, "take care of them first, I can wait for supper."
He may ask what I need him to do... I will tell him. He will say, "I'll do it a little later." When a "little later" comes around, I will have gotten tired of waiting and will have done it myself.

After I have gotten supper done, maybe gotten the dishwasher loaded. It will finally be my turn to take a shower. It will probably be about 10:PM Dustin will relax watching TV. I will enter the bathroom to find it like I do most nights...His clothes on the floor of the bathroom...I will have to pick up after him after my shower. After the shower...I will get a load of laundry sorted, ready to turn on in the morning. I'll pull the clothes that I had in the dryer out...Maybe fold them. By then, I'll be tired and I probably won't. We'll live out of the basket.

11:00. Time to go up, just in time for Ella's feeding. I'll feed her. Go to bed. Get up for the 2:AM feeding. Dustin will take the 6:AM. At least he has for the last nights and says he'll continue.

I'll get up with Ian at 6:30. (That's if he hasn't woken up at 5:00 or woken in the night.) I'll get him breakfast. I'll put him in front of the TV so I can get dressed.  We'll figure out the day again. I'll either stay home or go to the field. It will depend.

I know it sounds like I don't like my life or the farm. It's not that. I do truly love my life. I just wish this time of year that I was not expected to be all things to all people. The cook and the combiner. The one who is at the end of the line for every meal, shower or personal need.

What will bother me most. At one point. After working in the field for a week. Barely getting sleep. Barely keeping up. My dear husband will complain about what a disaster the house is...The house I haven't been home to take care of...And I will start again being behind at home. Feeling like a failure...And bitter because it's not like I was given the offer of help or if I was, the followthrough was lacking...And then he'll wonder why I am crabby, angry, bitter and hurt.

This time of year truly kicks me in the butt.

Every year I pray that it will be different. The kids are just an added element to a pattern that has already been established.  I pray that I will be stronger. I pray that I will be able to articulate clearly what help I need. I pray that someone will listen. I pray that at least I will be appreciated for how much I work to try to keep these plates spinning on those stupid poles.

Maybe when our kids are in school this will be a bit easier. Maybe it won't. who knows?

All I know for sure is that I'm so wrapped in knots right now that I should be sleeping and instead I am writing this...just trying to get it out. Hoping for the best, but really expecting the worst.

Lord, please give me strength...I just don't know how to deal with this...I never have...give me patience, give me balance...give me a MAID!  Heck...forget the maid. Give me 20 minutes a day to myself to decompress for this madness every day and I will be great.

Harvest. How I love and hate dread it, all at the same time.

New Hair!

I left Ian and grandma's, Ella with friends, and I went and got my hair done. It's warm browns with blond in my bangs.
I love it. I'm in absolute heaven.
Tomorrow. Dustin works on the combine.
I work on the house.

Tuesday. I start more painting at the in-laws. Exterior of house. I'm on a mission.

First DAy of October! Fall!

After several tough days! I've had a really good one. The baby blues weren't really in sight today, which was nice. I got the kitchen cleaned. A cabinet in the kitchen gone through. Apple crisp made.  It was successful.  Even better. I wasn't hard on myself. I've been pretty hard on myself...today. I did what needed to be done. I also got 30 minutes to take a shower this morning. That makes a world of difference.

Ian was in his PJ's all day. I wasn't perfect. Who cares.

I realize I am really needing to create time for me, even when no one is helping me create it.

Better be off. Company for supper tonight. Need to get it ready.

Wheat Harvest...And the big question...(Can I keep from having the baby before it's over?)

We are harvesting our wheat. It has been a bit slow since the wheat hasn't gotten dry enough to harvest until later in the afternoon and has been toughening up early in the evening. Today...hot, humid, but also windy, so the guys are still at it. The elevator closed at 8:00, but I'm sure they would fill everything before they quit.
Our test weight is low, but our protein is really good, so we will get a premium. A lot of people are getting 12 and 13 protien, ours has been 14.7 or higher, so that is good news for the bottom line.

I've started having a few contractions, but they mostly happen at the end of the day after I have walked around and been up most of the day. By morning, baby seems to be back out of the birth canal and we do the same thing over the next night.

Last Friday at my OB appt. nothing was happening yet. But as the weekend continued, I have started to feel different. But hopefully everything will hold steady until we get wheat finished.

My legs, ankles and feet are really swollen. It use to go away when I put my feet up or at least in the morning when I woke up the swelling would be gone. Now...it never goes away and my feet and calves feel really tight. If I didn't want the wheat finished so badly I would want to go into labor right now! But, I also know that it would be a lot better if baby would hold off for another 5-7 days. I have another appt on Friday, so we'll see where we are at then.

The humidity has been horrible today. This has been a terrible summer to be pregnant, but a great summer if you are a corn plant. So, my misery is our corn's gain. We are on the way to having the best corn crop we've had in the short time we have grown corn. I know the weather has been perfect for it based on the number of days we have run the A/C this summer. We only ran it a handful of times last year and this year it has been going for days at a time.

I still have quite a bit to get finished before the baby comes and I'm trying to be okay with the realization that not everything is going to get done. She will have a cradle, clothes, food and parents and family who love her. She really shouldn't need much more...I have been wanting a good cleaning done, but there are quite a few improvement projects that it would be good to have done before I scrub the house down. Mudding, painting, sanding, sawing.

Even little projects would make me feel good at this point. If Sears would get my dishwasher working again. (It worked for a whole month this time!) I would be ecstatic. It would help my life considerably. When it works, we run it every day. I hate doing dishes and the extra standing isn't great for my feet either. Repairman comes again on Thursday. Then it will be about two weeks before he can come back and fix it with whatever part he orders. grrrrr.

The house is finally cooling down. I actually shut the air off today because it wasn't keeping up. It wasn't worth running for the house to be two degrees cooler than outside. At least by opening all the windows I got the breeze and it then became 5 degrees cooler. It's cooler outside right now, but I'm guess that will remedy itself soon.

Well, there's the news from here.

More info. to come.

Last days! For so many things.

Tomorrow is my last day at the interim call. I've pretty much packed up everything. Some boxes will go in the car tonite, some tomorrow. I'd like most of it home before Sunday.  This has been a great place to be for the last months.

Today I also had an OB appointment. I'm realizing how close we are getting to the next baby being here. Just a little over a month away!
I want to concentrate on being here in my last couple days, but I'm having a hard time not thinking about the next weeks. My last days with Ian as an only child. My last weeks of pregnancy and baby kicks inside. My last days of trying to get everything ready and trying not to panic.
I feel like the ending at church is just  a precursor to the beginning of the rest of things and those are really what I'm most intent on right now.  I've had more fun being at home lately...I almost mourned coming into work this week because I wanted to stay at home and get things done and play with Ian.

I worry how I'll do being a SAHM this time. I think I've put a lot more safeties for myself in place. The need to get out. The support system I have this time is better. I also know what to expect and those around me do too, so I'm hoping we are going to be able to watch me more closely before I spin out of control like the postpartum last time.

I noticed that I also talespinned again this summer, and while I pulled out of it. Dustin was talking about being nervous shortly after because it was the same time the year before that I had completely fallen apart and he was worrying about me.  He didn't know how I had been feeling, but to realize that maybe there is a cyclical pattern in the year was a real revelation for me.

So, I'm hoping that these last days are going to be everything I want them to be. I also realize that I need to be realistic. I think I set myself up with ideas and then sent myself up for falls when thing don't go as I expect.

So, think of me on my last days...whatever days you are thinking about.

Packing up!

I've entered my last two weeks at my interim call and 6 days left of being at the office or church. I started the process of packing up the office today.   It feels weird and good, all in the same breath. I didn't realize that as much stuff migrated here, but apparently, I now have more than just the crate I brought for the first day.
I've been cleaning out the desk. Leaving what was there, sorting out what is mine. Recycling office things that were probably only helpful to me at the time, now, things have moved forward.

I'm probably going to take a few things off the walls now too. That way I can see how many more boxes I'll need to get the stuff boxed up.
I'm not sure where this stuff is going to go when I bring it home. Not a clue. Some of the books will go in my shelves at home. The pictures, I'll find homes for them. Some stuff. I'm not sure.
I know it must be time. Every morning, I've been waking up and longing to stay with Ian and spend the morning with him and get back to the routine that we usually have when I'm home.
I look at the house and see all the things that it would be nice to have done and ready by the time the baby gets here.
I think of the meals that I want to get in the freezer, then we'll have a couple weeks of food that takes minimal preparation.
I see packing here, packing and unpacking at home...
A new chapter is beginning. I can't wait.

It's official...I'm an idiot (Hopefully this is only pregnancy brain)

I have entered a new level of stupid this week.
It could be because I was supposed to have a few days off and instead had a prayer service, a funeral and everything that goes along with those events.
It could be that I haven't been sleeping very well and have finally been able to catch up a little bit in the last couple days since the heat subsided.
It could be that I have always been this much of an idiot (No, I'm pretty sure that I was intelligent once upon a time)

Most likely.  Hormones surging through my brain have decided that they are going to take up those brain cells for awhile and if I'm lucky. They will return them some time after the baby is born.

Focusing seems to be my biggest dilema. I have lists to keep me somewhat on track, but for the most part...I just can't focus. I'm having trouble prioritizing too.

This is my last day of work this week, mostly because I didn't get Monday off like was planned. So, I need a day at home...I need to pick up our life again!

On the way to work. I kept freaking out because I'd look in back for Ian and he wasn't in his car seat.  I left him with grandma. SO I COULD COME TO WORK!

I'm having trouble remembering things and I have asked people a lot of questions...twice. Unfortunately, quite a few of them have been stupid questions.  Stupid because they are obvious answers that I already have access too or know already from the previous week.

So, I guess I will keep waiting for intelligence to return.  Until then. I appologize for asking you the same thing three times. I'm sorry you have to explain the most basic information 100 times.  I regret that I didn't remember that you had already made a request of me and I forgot in 10 minutes.  I am counting on this getting better in about 10 weeks.