I had been struggling the last week or two. I love staying at home with my kids, it's a joy, there are so many things that I'm glad that I get to be there for, that I'm glad I don't have to miss.
There's also the days that I just need to get away...And when I feel that way, the guilt of feeling it, it's a bit hard to take. It's a vicious cycle. I even called my friend D and asked, "Am I a terrible mommy?" Thankfully, she assured me that I was normal. Getting away means you are a better you, a better mommy, a better wife
I need to recharge and it doesn't happen when you are home with two children all the time.
I sometimes I think I worked less when I worked in my interim call. There were some long weeks, but I got lunch breaks!
So, last Friday, Dustin stayed home and I went to town for a foil and cut. I put some fun bright red in my hair and the cut is fabulous. I got to remind myself of who I am. I get in a rut where I wear yoga pants and t-shirts and feel like a slug. So, after my hair appointment, I did a little shopping. I got a fun dress for summer, some jeans, a great sweater to go with the dress, and I got a great cotton shirt. I also bought a pair of platform, peeptow pumps, they are not practical, but they are so pin-up girl and so hot...I had to have them! I have a great skirt and shirt to wear with them, now for a little warmer weather and I get to take them for a test drive. This last storm took some of my thunder out of dressing.
I realize that I will feel like a slug if I always dress like a slug. So, while yoga pants and T-shirts are fine some days, they don't have to be my uniform. It's time to start dressing like me again. I guess I'm doing my own episode of "What Not to Wear" for myself. It's time to be true to the person that I know I am and I am that person, even when I am at home. Just because I'm not going anywhere, it doesn't mean I can't dress for myself. It feels like a good decision.
Today I worked at my very part-time job. I work for a funeral home in town. I'm one of the people who hands out the folders, takes cards and pushes the casket. It's sad, but I look forward to my "working" days because I then get to run around town for a bit by myself, either before or after. I'll end of working a couple times a month, sometimes less, sometimes more. But, my boss, M, he's great to work for, I knew him when I was full time in professional ministry. I went to college with his wife and he knows Dustin well too, so it's fun to go help with funerals.
I said when things get hard...then they get wonderful again. I sometimes have a hard time remembering that from day to day. I'm prone to meloncholy, I admit it. When things are rough, I have a very hard time remembering that this too shall pass, I think it will last forever. It's really the habit of thinking that when things are bad..."everything" is bad. When I get overlooked..."nobody" likes me. I know it's the habit of thought that I developed mostly when my depression was untreated and even when I am better, the thought patterns are something that I really have to be aware of.
But, today, I did remember that it will get wonderful again. I got home from town, my kids were happy to see me. Ian ran to me and gave me a big hug. Ella started to bounce up and down in her exersaucer and I know it was for me. That's wonderful, there's no other way to say it.
And there was another triumph. Ian came to me this evening and said, "Mommy change britches." Which means diaper in our world. He's never asked before...He asked me to get him out of his poopy diaper. I feel like we are entering a new chapter and I'm so excited. I've been telling him for weeks now, "If you need your diaper changed, if you feel wet or messy or uncomfortable, tell mommy or daddy." And he did what he has always done...nothing. The poopy diapers have never bothered him. Today...they did. He asked to be changed! Like I said, I'm sure in a few months I'll be complaining about potty training a two year old boy, but for now. "Change my britches, Mommy," might as well be a sonnet. It was music to my ears. Until the next hard day...and then we'll get wonderful again. The cycle continues.
1 comment:
You are NOT alone!!! I think we all have days like this. I have been attempting to settle Abby on a regular schedule as I may be getting a call to serve a parish by the end of the summer. For a few days my plan worked beautifully until..until the teething. Three days this week were a bear for us and a little tooth is beginning to poke through now. Yesterday I was literally in tears because it is "march madness" and my husband wants to park in front of the TV and do nothing but watch basketball until after at least the first weekend in April. This means no date nights, no time alone by myself and usually eye rolling when I ask him to help out etc. We mommies need a break sometimes! I am so glad that you went and had a day to yourself. GOOD FOR YOU!!!
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