Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Slivers of time.

Ian and Ella will wake from naps soon, so I thought I'd write quick. It seems like that's how I get everything done in my day, with little slivers of time. 30 seconds to switch laundry into the dryer here. A few seconds to check facebook. (How many minutes do those seconds add up to in a day?)Quick, Ian's playing, wash a few dishes.
I realize this more and more every day. I don't have projects, I have stolen moments that add up to life. The larger projects that I have to accomplish, are broken down into the tiniest of pieces so I can do them during naps or with a few seconds without little hands grabbing at them.
I also have started to realize that I have been attaching my worth to what I get done with those slivers of time. I use to work. I loved my job as a pastor...until I had kids...then I liked my job as a pastor, but wished for home. I took an interim call when I had Ian. It was the smartest thing I could have done for myself, my family and for Ian. (But I'll talk about that another day)
The reason I bring up my job, is that, we often measure our worth in what we do. I don't think this is the most beneficial way to measure, but a great many of us do it. We measure our contribution in what we "do." And I have started to do this with my "slivers of time."
      A successful day. I'll use a lot of little bits of time to move household mountains. Laundry, vaccuuming, dishes, dusting, cleaning the bathroom, and making phonecalls for various farm things.  If I don't do as much as I can, I feel like it has been a failure of a day sometimes...The sad thing. It usually isn't a failure of day.
     The days that I don't get tons of these things done, these are the days that I most likely have little ones who want me more than usual. On the days when I don't get "everything" done, I most likely have read "Busy, Busy Bunnies" to Ian 1053 times. I have cuddled Ella and held her as she has fallen asleep and I sit and smell her baby skin. I color with Ian and draw pictures of animals that he knows and then  he tells me what they, "say."  I make Ella giggle as she lays on the floor and shows off her new proficiency at rolling over.
     So, the paragraph I have just written, that seems like what a successful day should look like. Giving myself to my kids. Making them laugh, running around the kitchen table. Teaching Ian that those crazyons are not for eating!  These moments aren't slivers of time. These are what life should really be about. Living fully with the ones you love. Yet, these days are the ones that I sometimes feel guilty about. Why? Becuase of measureable accomplishment.  Do other mothers feel like this?
     Better go...I've got time to waste with my kids.

2 comments:

Rebecca said...

Genuinely touching post...And YES, other Moms feel that way...or at least I know I do. I'm a checklist person and when I can't check things off my list, I feel like a failure. Sometimes I do squander my time, and I wonder where it has all gone. I want to accomplish something big with Burrito each day. But it doesn't always happen. I think at the end of the day, the most important thing is that they have US.

CindaRu and Dustin Too! said...

I love the checklist too.