Winter Blaahs or depression? Sometimes it's hard to tell.

As the winter continues on, my ability to keep a positive attitude and retain a healthy balance and good mood begins to falter. For many, I'm sure, this is just part of the winter. Especially this winter! So much time below zero with windchill that is downright deadly or at least really uncomfortable if you have an inch of skin exposed, it isn't surprising that the  mood of many is less than spectacular.
But, even if it just part of the seasons, I get terrified that I am falling into a depression. (The clinical kind).
I had a fairly bad case of postpartum depression. I've struggled with depression anyway, but after Ian was born, I have never felt like life was so dark...I struggled to get out of bed, I cried all the time, and if I wasn't crying I was yelling at everyone I loved.
On the outside, I probably looked like the perfect mother. And truthfully. I was doing a fine job. Ian was well cared for and bathed and always had cute new outfits on. I rocked him, cuddled him, cared for him...He was maybe my salvation, even though the chemical changes he produced in my body were part of what got me to where I was.  And yet, if I hadn't taken pictures, I would have missed a lot of Ian's development the first few months of his life.
I ended up on medication and working with a great therapist. She helped me more than anything. I was able to talk about everything I was feeling, the pain, the despair, the fear, and there was never any judgment. As I started to pull out of the downward spiral that was my mental health. I was offered the interim position in a nearby town. It was part time. It was a good fit. They were coming out of a difficult situation and I was someone good to help them move forward at that particular time.
Going back to work at that time was my life preserver. I had lost my sense of purpose in the midst of my depression.  Depression is a mix of sadness and in addition, a lot of belly button gazing. I was so closed in on myself, my failures (real and perceived), my actions and my inaction. I needed to get outside of myself. And the job came along at the right time. I was getting much better and my therapist agreed with my decision to try it out.
I learned a lot about myself. My depression didn't define me and I had gifts. I also learned that you can be wounded, but still help others heal.  My depression wasn't contagious and truthfully, I wasn't turned in on myself, so I found a lot of life around me. And as I healed, the job helped me find some peace again.
When the job ended, I was ready...It felt like God's plan. I was having another baby in a month. I wanted to have time with Ian. I wanted to stay home again. The congregation was in a good place again too. They were getting ready to welcome their new associate pastor.
But, as we awaited Ella's birth, I was scared about slipping into the same place. I was medicated this time. Ready to be healthier from the start. I also had a better support system lined up. This has been important.  I just didn't take into account what winter weather could do to me. I always have trouble in January and February. I have for most of my life. This time. I am just nervous. Am I having a bad day? Or is this something worse? Is it because I haven't been outside for a week because of the cold and the sun hasn't bothered to shine? Or is it something darker inside of me?
Good news. I'm not yelling at people.
I will be on medication my entire life. Why mess with what is working. And truthfully, it would probably be a good time to go see my therapist and check in. It's been quite a while.
There is a difference this time. I don't have hopelessness. I don't have trouble getting out of bed. (Well, it's a bit tough when the kids wake up at 4:00 a.m.)
So, while I know that most of this is weather related and just a temporary mood. I wonder if the monster will always be around the corner? Will I always be scared that I'm headed down the drain? I feel like I waste quite a bit of time worrying about it. Is my awareness a sign that I'm vigilant or is it something else?
I do know one thing. I never want to be where I was, never again. I want to be honest about this time of my life. I really want other women to know that postpartum depression is something you can get help for and you can feel happy to be a mom again. I want people to get rid of the stereotype that it is a bad thing to go on medication and go into therapy. And when you decide to have baby number two. Make sure that your Dr. knows your history so you can be ready, because it will most likely be back and you can safely stay on medications during pregnancy. It truly has been the best thing I have done for myself and for my family. The best gift we give our families is our health.  I want husbands to know that they can be brave, like mine was and say, "We need to get you help."  And for husbands to keep checking in with their wives as they go through the months after a baby is born. She may not just be sleep deprived and overwhelmed, there might be more going on in her life.
So, I think it's the winter blaahs...But man, some days, it really is hard to tell.  I have offered up more prayers for sunshine than I thought possible.  But, I can get through it...I'm not alone (I wasn't the last time either) and I have a flashlight to shine in the dark corners.  But if you don't think it's the winter blaahs. Please, talk to someone. You will wonder why it took you so long.  There's help.