I have always been in awe of how incredibly blessed I have been in my life. I was raised in a good family, although, I will admit, my mother and I still have our issues and probably always will. My parents love me and helped me in more ways than I could ever imagine to tell about.
I have had wonderful careers. I loved being a pastor, while I was a pastor. When I stopped loving it, when I knew that I had to get out or I was going to be in trouble, I had the opportunity to move to the career of stay at home mom and also a stint as an interim pastor, which gave me back the love of ministry that had all, but dried up. And now, I'm fortunate, that once again, I have the career I enjoy, stay home and be a farm wife. I have realized that I make a huge difference and am a huge part in our farm operation. In a world where we so often define ourselves by what we do and what we bring to the table, it's not always easy to remember what you do is important when you are a SAHM.
One of the biggest struggles for me has been that I felt that I was less important because I didn't bring in an income. I've never thought a SAHM was less, I always admired them and hoped that I would get to stay home if I had the chance, but once I stayed home, I struggled with my identity because so much of my identity has been wrapped in what I had done and even though I believe raising children is the most important job we do as parents, it doesn't always feel that way.
So, in light of all this, I had to really start looking at my value, not just to my family, but to myself. I needed to wrestle a bit with what my "job" is and see how I felt about it. I also had to ask myself a question that I have been asking a lot lately and still don't have the answer to it that clears it all up. The question: When it seems that you have everything you want, why isn't it enough?
I suppose the question is partially answered by the Old Adam and Eve that are inside of us. Inherently,we are all sinners. It seems that for all of us, sometimes we want to be like God, and sometimes we just want to prove that we don't need God. It's two bites of the same fruit (possibly the tree of knowlege of good and evil if you don't mind the pun).
It was the oddest thing that sent me on this answer quest. Our kitchen sink...Yes, you heard me, our kitchen sink. I hate it. I hate it with a passion and I find my dislike of this sink pathetic and embarrasingly selfish. We have been in a brand new home since last July. Now, because we did not get to choose the fixtures or appliances, it came just as it is. Over 2000 sqare ft. Three bedroom, plus a bonus room. A master bath with a tub that I can practically swim in. And my almost perfect kitchen. I have decent stainless steel appliances (I did not pick them, they came with the model house we bought). I don't have granite and that stuff, but those finishes aren't that important to me. It's a great kitchen and I love it...except, it has a white, composite sink. It mars, it never stays clean, it looks stained and did after the first month or so and while it does everything a sink is required to do, it does hold water after all. I can't stand it. I want a new sink. I have tried to convince my husband to get me a new sink every time we have been in a Menards, Home Depot, Lowes or our local building center. And while he doesn't like the sink either, he continually reminds me that this isn't something we need. And...I know he is absolutely right. There are a great many things that people don't have in this world and I am not one of the people that has ever wanted for anything. I have everything I could need and a lot of things that I just want and yet, I now wonder, thanks to my stupid sink, that I still hate, why isn't having everything you want ever enough, we will always find more things to want and we will convince ourselves that we need them.
And, why do we think our value comes from how many possessions or jobs or honors we can attach to ourselves?
I still have a ridiculously strong desire to change the kitchen sink and I admit...I will probably beg enough that my husband will change it to shut me up...But, I stuggle with what this says about me. I don't want to be this person and I hope I can change it. I want a person who knows that she has what she needs and she is grateful for it...And yet, when things are good, that is when we don't see how clearly God's blessings are right there in our lives. So, I pray that God will teach me that I have enough and on that same page, I hope God teaches me that I am enough.
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