Organic yogurt and berries, vanilla latte, a good morning!

I am in the midst of a wonderful treat this morning. Dustin had a meeting in town this morning. I was going to stay home and make a cake for my confirmation class's last day. But the day got better, instead of staying home, I decided to buy a cake at the grocery store. (Much cuter and better than I would make anyway). I am now at one of the coffee shops in Jamestown. I am working on my confirmation class, drinking a vanilla latte, eating this wonderful organic yogurt with fresh organic berries that are wonderfully fresh and yummy. The day is starting well.
Dustin is down the street finding out the fate of his possible job. I don't even think he knows if he wants it anymore. The whole situation feels rather icky to me. Offering it to him and then taking in other options. The owner is going to do what he thinks is best for the company, I just wish he would have looked at all his options before he offered the job so he didn't have to backpeddle. It would have made this all easier. Whatever happens, happens.
After my hospital visit yesterday, I had fun shopping in Fargo. I picked up some things at Lowes and then went around their garden stuff. I am excited to get in my garden this year.
I bought a new digital camera. I think it will be nice to carry in my purse. Dustin's camera is pretty big, from when he was doing photography professionally. The one I got will be a little more practical.
I also found a great new yarn shop on Broadway and while I said I was only going to look and now buy, I walked out with three patterns and 7 skeins of yarn. I think I showed tremendous restraint.
My new spinning wheel is currently still, I need to get more roving. I am planning on getting sheep this year or next spring, so that should eventually make the search for roving a bit easier. I also may like angora goats. I can't decide. Sheep are more affordable so that may be the way to go.
There's the news from Lake Wobe... wait, that's not right. There's the boring news from me...

Tuesday! My Monday

I was super farmer yesterday and even talked Dustin into teaching me how to weld, I don't know why I would like to learn this, but I would love to be able to weld some metal scraps together and make a nice little fence for my flower garden that I'm putting together.
I'm off to Fargo now, I have a hospital visit to make.
Dustin is having a bad day. I don't blame him. He was given a career opportunity at the ambulance that wouldn't interfere with farming. It was a great opportunity for us as far as income as well and advancing the farm. This morning, Dustin found out that a coworker recommended to management another alternative and now Dustin is left hanging on what the future will be. he's at the other farm today working on equipment.
So, I hope he finds out soon so we can move forward with all the information

Husbands are stupid!

I realize that statement was not very nice and Dustin is not stupid all the time, but sometimes...
I am at work. Go figure, it's a Friday, bulletins to run off, church calendar for May to get finished. (I am a one woman show on the church office work as well as pastoral duties.)
My brakes are also getting fixed. They needed to be ordered from the last post, so only my oil change was done.
Now, I told him that I would be home after my car was finished or at least that was my plan. Get the office stuff done. Finish up my Sunday sermon. Etc. Etc.
The morning did not go at planned. I locked us out of the house, Dustin had to crawl through the window.
It's freezing cold out, so there is really nothing he can work on without freezing his butt off outside.
Dustin is crabby. Very.
He just called with his wonderfully sunny disposition. Wondering when I would be home. My car is not done. (He grumbled) I'm not done with the calendar (he grumbled)
I have a question. WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO GO HOME TO THAT!
Other than locking us out of the house this morning, I am at no way at fault for the weather or the speed of my mechanic and why would I want to go home to a crabby husband when I can be in my nice, cheery office enjoying my day, email, and not a crabby husband in sight. Hmmm, you make the call.

Sometimes it's the little things (or why my mechanic rocks!)

Now, I am completely capable of walking the block from the church to the corner service station and picking up my car. But, I just looked outside and there sits the Toyota. My mechanic brought it down for me.
It's a little chilly today, so I am very thankful. My vehicle needed an oil change and a brake job. I brought it in this morning and said to call when it was ready.
I think my mechanic is awesome. He and his wife joined my church about two years ago. They got married at about the same time. He's been my mechanic for 6 years. Not only does he do a great job fixing cars, but he is a mean cook and I have enjoyed many a meal at their house. They are some of the only people in town my age, so I am glad I have had the chance to hang out with them from time to time. He also makes a peach kuchen bar that is so good that you can't just eat one. Trust me, I have tried and failed again and again.
My confirmation students come in about 25 minutes. This is our second to the last class. I don't have them come in May. They are so stir crazy that I have found it easier to plan the schedule so we can be done at the end of April. We will be short some stuff because I had to cancel a few classes, but it's not a huge deal.
I am working hard at getting ahead on hymns and worship planning so I can take some vacation days in the weeks ahead. I won't be taking off Sunday's, but I need a couple extra days off each week until we are done with seeding. I am going to learn how to drive the corn planter. I'm kind of excited about this, don't tell Dustin.
We bought an EZ steer, so I will be able to go straight. How can I not go straight, the tractor will be driving itself with GPS and I only have to turn it around at the ends. I'm really excited to see if it will be saving us the chemical, seed, and fertilizer we think it will. I will be able to map the field and then when Dustin comes back to spray it, he can bring up the field that I mapped when I planted it and it should follow the same path and keep us from overlapping spray and keep it in the tires in the rows. It should be cool. We went and picked up the new corn planter on Monday and will have to do one more day of work on it and then we can use it. It's kind of exciting. We'll plant corn with the planter and beans too, which means we can plant beans using the airseeder and planter both and we should be able to get quite a bit done.
It is Natural Resource Conservation Week this week. So, we will start Sunday with a litany that is written for the Sunday. The next week, farmers and gardeners are invited to bring seed to church and we will have a blessing of the seeds and the upcoming growing season. It is a special Sunday for our farmers.
I hear the kids coming it. Better go

Sad day. Why?

I got an email today from a friend from seminary with news about another friend from seminary. My friend Amy's husband Jon passed away. He was 36. He was in good health, it seems he had a mild heart condition that they never knew about and his heart stopped in the night. They hadn't been married two years yet. They have a one year old son, Joseph.
I was told that Amy is okay or as well as could be expected. I wish I could go to the funeral in WI, but I don't think I can make the drive. I also know that the hard part won't be until after the funeral on Thursday and everyone leaves. My plan is to go then, at least that is what plan for now.
Please pray for Amy and Joseph and their family.
I have been asking why about so many things lately. I'm not usually a "why does this happen?" person. But lately. "Why" is my only question.

I'm home. It's Saturday Night, I have no sermon.

I know I am not the first pastor to not have a sermon ready on a Saturday night and I know I won't be the last.
I left after conducting a funeral on Wednesday and went to my mom and dad's. I came home Friday. My cousin's funeral was on Thursday. When I got home Friday I found out that I had a parishioner go back into the hospital and I went and visited today. I'm sure there are some pastors that would do the sermon before the visit, I am not that pastor. I will go see a person first and I think that is usually where I belong.
As I was on my way home, I saw fire from a distance, someone burning I CRP field I'm sure. I'm sure they didn't get the memo that there is a burning ban on in our county. I have a weird thing when I see a fire in the distance. Until I can know for sure the location of the fire in proximity from my house, I always swear I am going to find that a fire is going to be my house going up in flame. I realize this is paranoid, but unless I'm sure, I'm waiting to come home to my house as a towering inferno. Then I wonder, would anyone call the fire dept. If they did, would the fire dept. be able to get my dogs and cat out?
Also on my home. I am trying to figure out a new house that has gone up. Someone has built a house in the neighboring township. It is supposedly a multi million dollar house, with a multi million dollar horse barn. Now, it is away from the road, but still visible. I can't tell which is the house and which is the barn. In the last couple months, over several trips by, I have changed my mind several times about which is which. They don't really live close enough for me to stop in with a welcome to the neighborhood loaf of bread, but I may anyway. I want to get close enough to figure out which is which. I will be more concerned if while in the yard I can't tell. Either way, from a distance or up close, I fear that the sad truth may be that their horses live in a better house than I do. Maybe they would let us move into a stall?
Well, I really should finish putting together that sermon. Good night.

The week

I don't know what to write today. There's good and bad.
I'm sad about Linda's death, not a huge shock. She was a strong, wonderful woman. My cousin Sara said it best, "Linda is the bravest woman I know." And she was brave, Sara said it all. Linda's son Sean graduates from high school next month.

The good is of a very practical nature. We got our operating loan all squared away, we can farm again! We have a corn planter to pick up this week. Dustin will got do that tomorrow.

I have a funeral tomorrow at church for a 95 year old lady. She was awesome, she had raised chickens in her younger years and loved to talk about mine. She was a gifted letter writer and wrote the most beautiful letters. She lost most of her sight a year and a half ago, that broke her heart. We had a wonderful visit the week before she passed away. I'm thankful for that.

Tonight we get to have dinner at our friends' Kent and Sue's house, so that will be family fun.
So, up and down. Life...Up and Down

In Loving Memory

My mom called today. My cousin Linda died last night. Linda fought a valiant fight against breast cancer. She did everything right. She got mammograms, she did self checks as home. (That was how she found the lump, three months after her mammogram. The cancer was aggressive. So was she.

Come, thou fount of every blessing,

Tune my hear to sing thy grace. Streams of mercy, never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise.
Sometimes a hymn sticks with you in a day. Just certain phrases from it today stuck with me.
I think I needed to hear them. I heard a lot of things today.

Kids in church were a stitch today. Very helpful in leading the sermon. My personal favorite was when I asked if there were any more announcements and a young boy yelled, "Noooooo." Okay, I can take a hint.
The other, the priceless face on a young girls face when I was leaving the church in my alb to go to the next service (I usually don't have time to change out of it and back in) and she asked, "Are you going home?"
I said, "No, I have to go to the other church. Can you believe I have to go twice."
In pops V. and says, "Pastor Lucinda has to go twice because she's naughty."
It really was funny.

So, today I heard the words of forgiveness twice. And for the moment there was hope for me. I reread my Easter sermon this afternoon before anyone came to the women's tea we held at church. It was about graveyards and of course resurrection. There is hope. I want to find it in my heart and I want to believe again what I believe it true for everyone else. That I am loved by God. That forgiveness is for me too. That resurrection of my life and heart is possible again, that I can stop carrying shame around because it is not productive to feel this horrible about myself anymore, although maybe I deserve it...Does one still hold onto these things? Should one? God help me! Is there a prayer of confession for one who feels that forgiveness is lost to them?

I screwed up, I hurt someone badly because I was so involved in myself that I couldn't see them hurting and didn't step up to the plate as the friend I was supposed to be, the friend I hope I use to be. I didn't listen, I didn't offer any comfort, I'm pretty sure I totally abandoned the person. I'm sure I got caught up in my own life and at that time, I'm pretty sure I lost myself, so I don't know if I was even recognizable to the person who needed me. Does that make sense? You get so caught up in something that you start to lose yourself to it and well, no one recognizes who the hell you are anymore. It's not the type of friend I ever thought I'd be, so to top it off, I feel like a failure and I was. I just wish I had the guts to apologize. I never said I was sorry, not properly. Not without an excuse attached, which face it, really isn't an apology. I wish she knew how sorry I was...I was an ass... I guess that is my confession...

I have hashed this out with another friend over and over again. To the point that it doesn't even make sense any more. I've beat this dead horse too many times and it needs to stop playing over and over again. Punishing myself isn't doing me any good. I can learn from it. I can see how I want to treat others in the future and how I don't want to be a person that someone cant' come to because they don't think I'll hear them anyway. I can learn that saying your sorry without excuses is the least that someone deserves and be brave enough to say it. All I have from it now is the lesson because I have to leave the grief behind. I know I hurt someone, I'm pretty sure I'll hurt someone again before I die, I'm human...So, today, I put this in the shoebox. I have shoeboxes of pictures and memories that I keep in my house, I think I keep them in my heart too, things that I put away. I can take the lessons, but I can't let this color my mood anymore, I have been tinted by this for so long that I find myself getting lost in this too. I'm not the person I want to be. I have been driven by this regret for so long that I find myself giving myself over to everyone trying to make everyone happy but myself. I have been deeply sad for so long and I use to have joy for life and I miss it. I have been trying to find things on the outside to make me happy when I use to find my happiness within and that is where it needs to come from again. I have all these wonderful blessings in my life and I haven't been able to fully appreciate them and that isn't right.

Tomorrow is a new day. Resurrection day for me...there is forgiveness and love, even for me. I have friends who love me, family who love me. I am loved by God, I am lovable to others, at least to the people I care about. I am forgiven! Amen. No more shame, no more despair. This needs to be buried so resurrection can be for me too...And it will be...

Letting Go

I have been struggling lately with letting go. My emotional and physical life have become chaotic and I have been realizing that I need to work on letting go.
I started thinking about this need to let go when Dustin and I were talking about our lives. The things we do on our own and our life together. We had been going from one thing to another, 6 days in a row, either we were apart or going somewhere together and we never stopped. About midway through this, we realized that our life was insane. We just hadn't stopped. We have wonderful family, wonderful friends, a wonderful home (although a project in progress), great pets, and we hadn't been home or had time to enjoy any of it. We had been living for everyone else and in the process we were missing time with each other and missing spending time enjoying all the blessings God has given us. It was after this, that I realized that both of us need to let go. Let go of other's expectations, let go of the things that are holding us back, let go of the clutter in our minds, the things that have been consuming us. So, I continue to struggle with letting go.
I struggle with letting go of regrets. We all have regrets, I think of this often in the order of confession and forgiveness when we ask for forgiveness for "things we have done and left undone," and "I have not loved my neighbor as myself." I have regrets connected to both of those things, every week, I hear those words and while I know that there is forgiveness, accepting it and also forgiving one's self is the hardest part. I have hurt and lost friends, not because of intentional wrong, but it was wrong, none the less. I have lost friends on the fringes of conflicts because I didn't know how to fight to keep them, I didn't want to make anyone feel like they would have to choose, so I gave up trying to maintain the friendships. Sometimes I think things go to a point where there is nothing you can do about what has happened, there isn't going to be a resolution, a reunion, or a happy ending, so you have to do the next best thing. Accept what has happened and forgive yourself, for what you did and didn't do...I have a hard time letting go and forgiving myself. Why keep holding onto all this stuff, it isn't productive.

I also see myself having a hard time letting go of stuff. Stuff that I don't need in my life any more. At the same time, I am realizing that the clutter that I keep in my life is really an expression of the clutter in my mind. Having trouble letting go of things and letting go of emotional baggage are really just sides of the same coin. I wonder sometimes what I am afraid of, what is holding me back?

All these things circle in my mind several times throughout the day. Sometimes leaving me sad, sometimes angry, sometimes I feel paralyzed to move on with life because I don't know what right I have. I need to let go, I want to open my life to new possibilities and to really enjoy them, I need to make room, not squish them in and have them tainted by things that are no longer life giving.

I think I should talk this over next time with my spiritual director. She is so helpful and wonderful with these things.

I better go. I need to get back to getting my sermon finished. It's close, but not quite.
So, hopefully, I can hear the words of forgiveness tomorrow and really begin to let go.

Saturday at church

I just finished up with a couple coming in for their premarital inventory. Fun.
I have a funeral on Wednesday now too. I just got that pretty much settled. Good deal. I'm so tired today. The lady who died was 95 and it's in some ways sad, but I'm happy for her. She had said she was ready to go when God decided he wanted her. She was sweet and something else and she raised chickens. We got along very well. I'll miss seeing her at the nursing home. She was a good lady.
I am now going home to spend the rest of the day with Dustin, my dogs and the cat. I'm exited, just to be home and happy.

flylady and weight watchers. Nothing in common, but both to be discussed.

Flylady. The wonderful carol aimee turned me onto flylady about a year and a half ago. It starts with a basic premise. "Shine your sink." This is where the flylady began. It isn't about getting a perfectly clean house or being the most organized person in the world, it is about starting where you are and developing routines to help you fly. It all starts with the small accomplishment of shining one's sink. Flylady works by developing simple monthly habits, this week it is make your bed every day. (it's small accomplishments and not getting down when you don't do something that makes it work).
Flylady also breaks the house down into zones and you concentrate on one zone each week. if you manage to work your way through the zones, eventually when you get to the zone again, it's not as hard.
When you absolutely need to get the house ready and it is a disaster, the flylady has a crisis cleaning routine (carol posted it in one of my comments as an audio file from the web radio show) or it is also found in a written version on the site.
I like flylady because she doesn't let you get bogged down in your own perfectionism. I never realized that this is what was doing it in my life. If I couldn't get it perfect I didn't work on it at all, instead I said, "I'll do it later." Flylady's motto, "Progress, not perfectionism" and it is true.
So, there is a little about flylady, I highly recommend going to the website. I sign up for the email reminders. They come throughout the day. If I need to, i delete them and go on with the day.
I had to make adjustments for my life, time, days, etc. etc. I'm not a SAHM and I don't have kids, so something things are different for me, but it is totally worth it.
Now, on to the funny. I went back on weight watchers this week. Dustin also decided to go on ww this week. I do it online, I don't have time for another meeting in my life. I lost 60 lbs before on ww and have gained back since I went off, so decided to join again and get with it. So, Dustin, who has 20 lbs to lose before reaching his ideal for his age, height, gender (jerk, only 20 lbs!) decided to go on too.
Nothing is funnier than watching him try to figure out what he can and can't eat. He went on their "Core" plan and so he can eat lots of core foods, but has to figure points for the extra's. The first day he ate two toaster strudel and that blew 1/3 of his extra points for the week and he's been panicking ever since. Not to mention that he won't get on the website to figure out what he is doing on his own, so I now am feeling like the ww mafia telling him what he can and can't eat. One the flip side, it will make cooking easier because I can cook ww friendly meals and he won't complain.
I am on the flex plan, which is more traditional. It works better for me and is easier to understand and follow. So, anyway. We'll see how this goes. I am feeling great! And Dustin is amusing the hell out of me...Yes, eat this, not don't eat that. He thinks he is going to starve, he is not. Big baby.

Flylady!

Thank you carol aimee. My dear friend Carol is getting me back into my flylady routines. This is for perfectionists who are trying to get their houses and lives back in order. I was flying for awhile and got away from it.
Carol has had much success lately and so I am inspired to get my house back to the place I love.
I highly recommend Flylady.com You won't regret it.
thank you carol

Wednesday! AGAIN!

So, it's been a week since I wrote.
Since last week. I have attended the Friday night of the state Democratic-NPL convention. While there I got to see Barack Obama speak and Hillary Clinton. It was absolutely awesome. He was inspiring, but she gave the better speech. She said what she would do, point by point, she talked about agriculture and health care. She was wonderful.iIt was a great time.
Friday night we spent in Fargo and Saturday and Sunday were spent in Fargo for the synod assembly. We have a new Bishop in our synod. First time in 16 years. It was a good weekend and I think the new Bishop will be good.
I've now been home since Sunday night and the house still looks like a disaster. Hopefully when I get home from Confirmation tonight I can make it better.
Monday was the best day this week. Dustin and I were both home and the two of us spent time together, ran errands together, played with the dogs. It was wonderful. Dustin went to work Tuesday and will not be home until tomorrow. YUCK.
I will hopefully get some uninterrupted work done. Or I'll completely veg on the couch and not accomplish anything. Only time will tell.
Off to get ready for confirmation

Wednesday!

It is back to teaching confirmation today. It's been awhile. 4-5 weeks off. Lent and a vacation day have put us behind, but I'm really not concerned, we'll cover what is needed. I better get my lesson put together.
It is synod assembly this weekend and I told the worship committee I'd have stuff together for them by tonight, so I better get that done too.
So, there is a bulk of the day.
I had chapel and a visit at the nursing home this morning. That was fun. After that I grabbed lunch and have been eating in my office trying to catch up.

Oh, and I have a surprise! Friday I get to see Barack Obama speak in Grand forks. YAY Me! and Dustin and the wonderful people we are going to the speech with. I'm so excited.

I passed my final!

Hey all, I passed my class final. I take a practice exam that will determine if I am ready for my national boards then I am done!! I'll have an EMT-Basic license. I'm so excited. I got an 85% on my test tonight. That was pretty good I thought. YAY! After my class, my instructor and dustin went to Applebee's to celebrate. After that I came home and Dustin stayed in town. He's on second tonight. (Cool thing! I got carded at Applebee's!)
Good night all
Cinda is Tired