Letting Go

I have been struggling lately with letting go. My emotional and physical life have become chaotic and I have been realizing that I need to work on letting go.
I started thinking about this need to let go when Dustin and I were talking about our lives. The things we do on our own and our life together. We had been going from one thing to another, 6 days in a row, either we were apart or going somewhere together and we never stopped. About midway through this, we realized that our life was insane. We just hadn't stopped. We have wonderful family, wonderful friends, a wonderful home (although a project in progress), great pets, and we hadn't been home or had time to enjoy any of it. We had been living for everyone else and in the process we were missing time with each other and missing spending time enjoying all the blessings God has given us. It was after this, that I realized that both of us need to let go. Let go of other's expectations, let go of the things that are holding us back, let go of the clutter in our minds, the things that have been consuming us. So, I continue to struggle with letting go.
I struggle with letting go of regrets. We all have regrets, I think of this often in the order of confession and forgiveness when we ask for forgiveness for "things we have done and left undone," and "I have not loved my neighbor as myself." I have regrets connected to both of those things, every week, I hear those words and while I know that there is forgiveness, accepting it and also forgiving one's self is the hardest part. I have hurt and lost friends, not because of intentional wrong, but it was wrong, none the less. I have lost friends on the fringes of conflicts because I didn't know how to fight to keep them, I didn't want to make anyone feel like they would have to choose, so I gave up trying to maintain the friendships. Sometimes I think things go to a point where there is nothing you can do about what has happened, there isn't going to be a resolution, a reunion, or a happy ending, so you have to do the next best thing. Accept what has happened and forgive yourself, for what you did and didn't do...I have a hard time letting go and forgiving myself. Why keep holding onto all this stuff, it isn't productive.

I also see myself having a hard time letting go of stuff. Stuff that I don't need in my life any more. At the same time, I am realizing that the clutter that I keep in my life is really an expression of the clutter in my mind. Having trouble letting go of things and letting go of emotional baggage are really just sides of the same coin. I wonder sometimes what I am afraid of, what is holding me back?

All these things circle in my mind several times throughout the day. Sometimes leaving me sad, sometimes angry, sometimes I feel paralyzed to move on with life because I don't know what right I have. I need to let go, I want to open my life to new possibilities and to really enjoy them, I need to make room, not squish them in and have them tainted by things that are no longer life giving.

I think I should talk this over next time with my spiritual director. She is so helpful and wonderful with these things.

I better go. I need to get back to getting my sermon finished. It's close, but not quite.
So, hopefully, I can hear the words of forgiveness tomorrow and really begin to let go.