Come, thou fount of every blessing,

Tune my hear to sing thy grace. Streams of mercy, never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise.
Sometimes a hymn sticks with you in a day. Just certain phrases from it today stuck with me.
I think I needed to hear them. I heard a lot of things today.

Kids in church were a stitch today. Very helpful in leading the sermon. My personal favorite was when I asked if there were any more announcements and a young boy yelled, "Noooooo." Okay, I can take a hint.
The other, the priceless face on a young girls face when I was leaving the church in my alb to go to the next service (I usually don't have time to change out of it and back in) and she asked, "Are you going home?"
I said, "No, I have to go to the other church. Can you believe I have to go twice."
In pops V. and says, "Pastor Lucinda has to go twice because she's naughty."
It really was funny.

So, today I heard the words of forgiveness twice. And for the moment there was hope for me. I reread my Easter sermon this afternoon before anyone came to the women's tea we held at church. It was about graveyards and of course resurrection. There is hope. I want to find it in my heart and I want to believe again what I believe it true for everyone else. That I am loved by God. That forgiveness is for me too. That resurrection of my life and heart is possible again, that I can stop carrying shame around because it is not productive to feel this horrible about myself anymore, although maybe I deserve it...Does one still hold onto these things? Should one? God help me! Is there a prayer of confession for one who feels that forgiveness is lost to them?

I screwed up, I hurt someone badly because I was so involved in myself that I couldn't see them hurting and didn't step up to the plate as the friend I was supposed to be, the friend I hope I use to be. I didn't listen, I didn't offer any comfort, I'm pretty sure I totally abandoned the person. I'm sure I got caught up in my own life and at that time, I'm pretty sure I lost myself, so I don't know if I was even recognizable to the person who needed me. Does that make sense? You get so caught up in something that you start to lose yourself to it and well, no one recognizes who the hell you are anymore. It's not the type of friend I ever thought I'd be, so to top it off, I feel like a failure and I was. I just wish I had the guts to apologize. I never said I was sorry, not properly. Not without an excuse attached, which face it, really isn't an apology. I wish she knew how sorry I was...I was an ass... I guess that is my confession...

I have hashed this out with another friend over and over again. To the point that it doesn't even make sense any more. I've beat this dead horse too many times and it needs to stop playing over and over again. Punishing myself isn't doing me any good. I can learn from it. I can see how I want to treat others in the future and how I don't want to be a person that someone cant' come to because they don't think I'll hear them anyway. I can learn that saying your sorry without excuses is the least that someone deserves and be brave enough to say it. All I have from it now is the lesson because I have to leave the grief behind. I know I hurt someone, I'm pretty sure I'll hurt someone again before I die, I'm human...So, today, I put this in the shoebox. I have shoeboxes of pictures and memories that I keep in my house, I think I keep them in my heart too, things that I put away. I can take the lessons, but I can't let this color my mood anymore, I have been tinted by this for so long that I find myself getting lost in this too. I'm not the person I want to be. I have been driven by this regret for so long that I find myself giving myself over to everyone trying to make everyone happy but myself. I have been deeply sad for so long and I use to have joy for life and I miss it. I have been trying to find things on the outside to make me happy when I use to find my happiness within and that is where it needs to come from again. I have all these wonderful blessings in my life and I haven't been able to fully appreciate them and that isn't right.

Tomorrow is a new day. Resurrection day for me...there is forgiveness and love, even for me. I have friends who love me, family who love me. I am loved by God, I am lovable to others, at least to the people I care about. I am forgiven! Amen. No more shame, no more despair. This needs to be buried so resurrection can be for me too...And it will be...